Narcissists IRL

A Practical Guide

Dealing with a narcissist will leave you feeling like the bad guy. People often think they’re too smart to be fooled, however, narcissists are masters at what they do and will easily erode that self-assurance. We’ve all heard the terms, “gas-lighting” “bread-crumbing” “projections” “narcissistic supply” Today we’re discussing real-world examples of narcissism in action

1) Words VS Actions This is to me, the biggest thing to watch out for. Narcissists talk a big game about how amazing they are. But over time, the stats don’t match up. Really, in any of your relationships, this is something to watch out for. Narcissists, however, take it to a whole new level. They boast of how caring they are, yet you feel pretty neglected. They brag about being good parents, yet don’t actually put effort or resources into their kids. They call themselves religious, yet cant even follow basic scriptures. They will say they love their kids, yet had to be forced into helping support them. For a good reason though, I’m sure (eyeroll) They talk like they’re an athlete, yet they play on a beer league. They say dumb shit like “I’m smarter than the Doctor” yet haven’t even been to college. It’s sad to see how many adults will listen to words over actions. Yes, their words are convincing, but over time you may see that they use words as a tool of manipulation, not as an authentic attempt to express themselves.

“Babe, I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it, it was really busy at work. Again. I promise I’ll come help next time.”

2)Boundaries Simply put, they don’t respect them. You ask them not to come by, they come by. You tell them you’re an atheist, they insist you haven’t seen the light. You tell them something scares you, you, they keep doing it anyways. With sex, if you’re uncomfortable with something, it becomes a game to make you do it. When it comes to their kids, they don’t see them as individual souls, rather they own them and expect complete agreement. They will basically wear down your boundaries until they aren’t there, often making it seem like it was your own choice to do so.

“I didn’t want to have kids, but its time I grew up. Besides, she promised it would be great”

3)Money They are weird with money. Lavish with themselves, always broke or bread-crumbing everyone else. Because they are impulsive and lack insight, they make foolish purchases. Narcissistic supply comes into play here. They will buy things to make others envy or admire them, not because its something their hearts desire. They will buy things to entertain themselves, not because they need it. They assume their greatness will bring in more money any day now, so no worries about that climbing credit card bill. A narcissistic parent is easy to spot. They always have money for themselves, for a new toy or third wedding, a vacation or drugs and alcohol. Yet they cant seem to afford the child’s basic necessities. Bread-crumbing is big here, they will give enough to keep you alive, but they’ll also bring it up often.

“I don’t know how you can say I never buy you anything. I buy you food, and remember that time I got you a kick-ass birthday gift three years ago? See? You’re lying, stop saying I never buy you anything”

4)Double Standards They are a walking double standard. It’s justifiable for them, but you my friend are the Devil. His ex is a drug addict for smoking weed, and he’ll let everyone know it. Him? Oh, he just smokes when he has a headache so its okay. A narcissist will accuse you of having anger issues for getting upset over “nothing” (yea, they love to minimize) yet get mad if you even just disagree with them. God help you if you ever treat them the way they treated you. You’re a whore because you had sex. His experiences are somehow righteous and clean. They loathe thieves and cons, yet when they steal it’s okay because they felt owed. My ex’s excuse for not spending adequate time with the kids was because I only wanted a break from them so I could drink and see men. Guess what he was up to on the daily? Yea, but that’s okay for him because hes a righteous God-loving man

“Shes a terrible, horrible, abusive mother. Why haven’t I been around to help her then? Well because, shes a terrible, horrible, abusive mother.”

5)Strange Anger There is always an under-currant of negative energy within narcissists. An empath will feel this and become insecure, worried, have constant low-level anxiety around them, yet not be able to tell why, often blaming themselves. This is the vibration of a narcissist and just being in the same room with them puts you in a subconscious state of awareness. Without realizing, you watch your words, tone and beliefs, so as to not disturb the narcissist. Over time, you will reach 1 of 2 places; a broken but willing participant or 2 awakening to what the fuck is actually happening. If you awaken, you will undoubtedly awaken their anger. They often start off with passive-aggressive anger. Missing birthdays, withholding affection, “losing” your things, doing chores badly, accidentally kicking your dog, underhanded jabs and veiled insults (watch out for this especially, it erodes your self esteem “You do a great job for someone who never graduated high school” “Your a good Dad, despite your mental illnesses”), hurting you but pretending they didn’t mean too, neglecting the relationship or their duties etc. It will, however, become overt and dangerous. Violence is not off the table with these psychos. There is a reason you should never tell a narcissist when you’re leaving them, because the switch can happen before your out the door.

“I never would have thought he’d try to kill his wife for leaving him. He seemed like such a nice guy, doesn’t even have a domestic violence record.”

6)You Feel Frustrated Narcissists are master crazy-makers. Their excuses and explanations will boggle your mind. They cannot see your point of view. Thy cannot learn or comprehend logic. They can be relentless in their pursuit to bring you to the edge, and you wont even realize they’re the ones doing it. They will gas-light till the cows come home, even with irrefutable proof. Their self-assured demeanour will have you questioning everything you know to be true, including your own feelings. They may get angry at you just for disagreeing or refusing to accept their non-sense. Long story short, you’ll find yourself wondering if your crazy. Whatever way it manifests, one thing is for sure, if you try to have a friendship, relationship or family dynamic with them, you will end up frustrated on many levels. Just trying to talk sense with them is like banging your head into a wall. The reason? They lack insight. Like, completely incapable of having any semblance of insight. So they never learn. They’re never wrong. And they’ll never grow. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE SO STOP EXPECTING THEM TO! Narcissists don’t get better. They get old and tired, sure, but that’s the best you can hope for.

“Everyone else seems to understand or empathize my concern, except my husband (the narcissist) For some reason, he just doesn’t get it.”

Being in a relationship with a narcissist, or having one as a parent is incredibly debasing. The energetic wounds go deep. The traits you pick up will need re-programming in most cases, and the karmic energy removed. The number 1 predictor of ending up in a narcissistic relationship? Having been in one before. Not all empaths attract narcissists. Come to Reiki and Alternative Healing to truly heal from the abuse and ascend to higher vibing relationships.

What Is Shadow Work?

Metaphorically speaking, we have a “Light” side and a “Shadow” side. Your Light side is just you. The part that is in tune with universal flow. It is what loves & serves our self and others, in accordance with Collective Consciousness

Your Shadow side is what is not serving your self or others.

It is toxic programming. Dysfunctional habits. Unbalanced ego.                                              It’s created in many ways. This is not a Yin/Yang type of thing. Darkness is beautiful. Seeds germinate in the dark. We feel between the lines in the dark. This is not what we’re referring to when talking about the Shadow Self. The Shadow Self is what needs to be healed in order for ascension, manifestation, wholeness or peace to be truly felt. We are Light, and this Shadow dims the full measure of our creation.

Often times our Shadow side is hidden from us. It creeps along behind us but when we try to get a glimpse, it somehow jumps out of view. Many on the spiritual path have not yet healed the shadow side. In fact, it is what’s causing so much resistance to ascension. When we ask our fellow Brothers and Sisters, have you healed your Shadow Self? Many will exclaim with a little too much pride “Oh Yes! I have, I am practically a Guru at this point!”

Well, in my experience, when asked about what they healed or how they did it, what often follows are stories of how they heroically overcame some obstacles that life presented them, indulging themselves the chance to turn it into autobiography of their greatness, self gratifying, avoiding any talk of their own toxic traits & programming, mistakes, or their own sins, if you will. These people do not dare to try and glance at their shadow. For those who have done shadow work are aware that it is not about our gifts, or how others have wronged us. It’s about what is needed to heal IN OUR SELF to benefit the collective, the future generations or their own future  & incarnations.

As Alan Watts famously said “I have never met a Sage who wanted praise”

He goes on to describe how the Ascended Masters and Sages alike, could not care about compliments and praise, insults, fame, nor being outcasts or popular. They have truly done their Shadow work. He warns, from way in the past, to be weary of so-called shamans and sages who believe they are omnipresent, Gods and Goddesses, above others. If they did their shadow work, they would have been humbled.

Family, Community, a Tribe, Humble Healers who have healed themselves. These things are imperative to a healthy society and self. The biggest reason why? Because it is others that help us see our Shadow self, what needs to actually be healed. They stand behind us and see what we do not.

A good Shaman may tell you what you don’t want to hear first. Funny how that works. I’ve had a few people not ready and that is fine. I am not here to kiss ass or obtain followers. Most, however, are intuitively relieved to find the source of suffering and with the ease of sight, heal the shadow side quickly. For you see, the hard part isn’t fixing the imbalance. Its finding it.

Breakdown or Breakthrough? That’s Up To You

The only difference between a psychological breakdown & a psychological re-birth, Is the end result.

In other words, having a mental, a nervous breakdown, a dark night of the soul, is a call.   Whether or not you take the call, is up to you.   This is your journey.  You will decide how to handle the crisis.

There are many choices during a mental/ life crisis.   To resonate as a victim and survive using the typical victim mentality.   To use the already broken allopathic mental health system, which seems to cause more problems than it heals.   To medicate the self, using drugs (including prescription of coarse) food TV/video games, sex ect.                                    Or to Evolve.   Grow and Refine.    Ascend.

You get to choose.

No man is an island.   Let me help you reach your psychological breakthrough.   It’s easier than you think, you just have to open your mind and try something new.

The time for Ascension is here.   Will you take the call?

Protecting and Clearing Yourself After Energy Healing

When I first started doing sessions with the public I didn’t take the need to protect myself seriously.  I’d forget to put up my energetic shield, and I wasn’t concerned about picking up the emotions, entities or implants from others while doing Reiki.  After a few years I started really noticing the effects.   I’d test myself and ask “Do I have a trapped emotion causing (new issue)?”  and the answer would come up “No”   Confused, I’d carry on.  eventually I had the idea to ask myself “Have I picked up energies from others?” and the answer came up “Yes”  “Did I pick up energies from my clients?” “Yes”  “How many?” and landed in the 200’s.   I had absorbed some 200 energies from clients, crazy.   I did a clearing session on myself and felt great after, confirming the findings.

Since then I’ve started taking steps to minimize this from happening.   I always put up an energetic shield before working on others, however as we’re energetically connected during the session, or at least in close proximity, they still find a way sometimes.   Much like in a hospital, the healers take precautions to ensure they don’t pick up pathogens, but they still get through sometimes.   The same is true with energy work.  Despite the efforts to shield and have a sacred space, sometimes the energies or entities still attach to the closest person.  So it’s important to also have a clearing ritual after your done healing for the day.   It can be whatever speaks to you.  For me, I get right home now, no stopping for visits, and get right into the shower.  I stand with my crown right under the water, get into a neutral (light meditative) head-space and command/intend/visualize the water clearing my energetic body.  I feel it all washing down my body and down the drain, from the top of me down down down the drain.  It only takes a minute, but it’s important to do right away.   Same idea if your going to smudge them off instead.  You must be in a neutral space to effectively command energy, so get into that space.  Then smudge but instead have the smoke take it up up away.

Another thing I’ve found over the years is that these new energies usually take a few days to actually absorb into your body.  So if you ask “Did I absorb/take someone else’s trapped emotions?” right after the session, it will almost certainly answer “No”   But if you ask again a week later, it could change to “Yes”   I think it’s because it hasn’t actually become One with you yet.   What this means is if you test yourself right after a session because you don’t have time or desire to clear yourself, then you may get a “No” answer when really its just still outside the body but within your field, and it will continue absorbing especially during sleep when our shields are always down.   So play it safe and just clear afterwards.   It would be gross if a nurse came off shift and didn’t wash up after right?   Well this is proper energy hygiene, just clean yourself up after.

I still periodically test to find any absorbed emotions and find one here and there, but its like 1% comparatively, and easy enough to clear then.

I’ll finish with a story.  It’s about a doctor named Ignaz Semmelweis, and the year was 1846.   At this time there was no way to “see” germs, no equipment to “prove” their existence.  The medical community was also divided between illness being caused by evil, and the scientific minded pushing for doctors to be formally trained as opposed to just winging it or being “holy” enough to heal.   Semmelweis worked in a hospital and was an obstetrician. By trail and error throughout his career he noticed that when delivery staff washed their hands before assisting birth, the mothers and babies died at a much much lower rate from what was called “childbirth fever”  So Semmelweis eventually concluded that there were “unseen forces” causing the fever and deaths.  He guessed it may have been pieces of corpses or dirt that was being passed around or introduced into the woman during birth.  Other physicians at the time would speculate they weren’t worthy of motherhood, or other spiritual aspects were at play.  He started washing his hands before delivery and “magically” the death rates plummeted.  He was unfortunately met with much resistance.  Doctors did not appreciate the new theory, even assuming he was blaming them for the deaths.  The theory didn’t take off simply because people could not prove it, and the implications rattled a few egos.  Semmelweis was rejected from the medical community and eventually committed to an insane asylum, where he later died.  He never lived to see his theory proven and implemented.  This medical history lesson teaches us many things.  For one, being improvable does not mean incorrect.  And two, whether it was seen as a scientific or spiritual issue, either way the proof was in the pudding.  This action causes this result, period.

So yea, dont be gross and just wash that energetic grime off after your sessions!

Gratitude Heals

Whenever I feel down in life, stuck in a mood or a spiral, there’s one thing that always without fail pulls me back out    Its gratitude.  Consciously giving thanks for everything I can throughout the day has me feeling better and attracting good things again very quickly.  It seems too simple and we’ve all heard it before, but anyone who’s learned to feel content and appreciative in life will confirm, the gratitude they have in the very core of their being, is why they continue to rise, why they seem to be blessed more frequently.  I see people act grateful, while they’re actually thinking negatively, deep inside still dissatisfied with what they have/are. That doesn’t work.  Seldom does the questionable new version of gratitude and manifesting, known as “positive thinking” yield either, as this is just subconsciously wanting more & more, coupled with the anxiety of awaiting results.  I’m not a fan of this philosophy in spirituality, it’s a self-centered energy and is not in alignment with collective consciousness or universal service.  Besides, manifestations reflect your subconscious and frequencies.  Cultivating an attitude of gratitude can take effort at first, especially if you’re not used to truly appreciating everything good in your existence.  It may take a bit of time to truly shift into the vibration of gratitude.  With all lasting changes we need to be persistent and patient (Remember the 11th Law of Karma: All rewards require initial toil.  Rewards of lasting value require patient and persistent toil.)  Try giving thanks for all you can for an entire day and see what happens, notice already the change in your vibration, your subconscious on a new path.  I believe we truly do manifest our reality, whether its quantum or subconscious, divine or the natural flow, who cares, we are co-creating our realities with our mind.  The lesson of gratitude is as old as any teaching, its higher living 101, and an emotional skill that should be of the first Mastered for an abundant, purposeful and happy life.

 

(There’s a time for grieving and honouring your feelings, I don’t suggest trying to bypass an emotion, however this is great for the everyday blues, negative expectation implants and general low vibing energy that can spiral us into a dark place🖤)

Energy Medicine For Whole Body Health

Energy Medicine is the future of healing, both spiritually and physically.  I’m not suggesting that you should see a Reiki Healer for a broken arm, or that we should forgo allpoathic medicine entirely.   But that a seasoned Healer trained in the art of muscle testing and ethical practicing is complimentary to Western Medicine.  Energy Medicine can certainly heal imbalances, and increase our Ki, but more than that, it can identify issues within the physical body, and what it needs to become healthy again.

Our currant medical model looks at symptoms, and then prescribes a treatment (often pharmaceuticals or surgery)    This method doesn’t tell us tells what the core issue is, what the actual imbalance or need is. It just says “Yep, here’s the problem, were not sure why this is happening but here’s a fancy label for ya, and some even harder to pronounce pills to mask the symptoms”   For example, chronic fatigue syndrome.  You go to the Doctors, and explain to them your general symptoms, feeling tired, winded easily, etc.  And then he tells you, based on the symptoms, “Oh, you have chronic fatigue syndrome” and that’s essentially that.  Maybe try some drugs, but never really getting to the bottom of the problem. Now you simply have a pointless diagnosis with a fancy name to tell people.  Muscle testing and intuitively tuning in with the physical body, an experienced healer can determine Why you are having those symptoms in the first place. How exciting is that?  Instead of checking off a list of symptoms and matching you to a prescription, which may or may not bring relief, an Energy Medicine Practitioner focuses more on the causes of symptoms, and asking the body what it needs to correct the imbalance.  We do not diagnose.  We simply give the body a voice to say what it needs.  Perhaps there is a nutritional deficiency.  Perhaps there are trapped emotions within the meridians halting flow. There could be hormonal imbalances causing the fatigue. Often diseases of the same name can have many different origins from person to person.

When a client comes in with, say, migraines, rather than looking at the symptoms and trying different elimination diets and petro-chemical pharmaceuticals, I instead test the body to ask what is actually causing the migraine symptom.  We may find that it’s simply an allergen, and as easily as that the client can now eliminate the source.  Often we find several contributing factors. Perhaps the musculoskeletal system is out of whack.  We can further test why this is, perhaps there is an abundance of emotional energy needing to be released, or they needs a chiropractic adjustment.  Muscle testing gives your subconscious a voice so that we can find the root of the issue.  Still testing for migraine origins, we may also find there is a fungal infection causing inflammation.  We then continue testing to uncover the best supplement for the particular client to kill the infection.  Finally, we may also discover there is a mineral deficiency.   Muscle test some more and find the client is chronically low on magnesium.  This is the difference between seeing your allopathic  MD (which we are blessed to have access to) and complimentary care at Reiki And Alternative Healing.   I always have preventative care on my mind, wanting to heal imbalances before they become an emergency.  And I treat clients individually, finding the root of any dis-ease or imbalance within the bodies, physical and energetic.

“May you never know what you have prevented”  – an old preventative medicine quote

 

Why It Really Does All Go Back To Your Childhood

Have you ever heard a parent say “Oh please, he wont even remember this”? Nothing makes me cringe harder than hearing such a carefree attitude towards the tiny humans. Mothers who are in-tune instinctively know this is so not true, and now the science, both technological and social, is backing up what mindful parents have known all along. Neglect and emotional trauma will have big effects on baby and can permeate the rest of their life.

I don’t know why, but people are so hush-hush when it comes to neglectful or absent parents. “Oh, they’re doing the best they can, its not a big deal” In a time when mental illnesses and personality disorders are prevalent, drug abuse soaring despite cutting edge treatments, and rise in general loneliness and despair across the world, I think its time we stop sweeping this everyday abuse under the rug, or shaming adult-children for blaming their parents for how fucked up they are. I mean, it is their fault so why not just call a spade a spade?

Neglect and emotional trauma will actually make your babies brain smaller. Like, much much smaller than that of a well-loved baby. Less able to empathize, not just for lack emotional intelligence, but physically less able to do so. Also more likely to self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, food or sex or commit violent crimes. Leading neurologist, UCLA’s Allan Schore says the growth of babies brain literally depends on positive and loving interactions with (parents) as well as the development of cerebral circuits.  From the beginning of the third trimester to about 2 years of age, the brain literally doubles in size, but only if the baby has the “right” positive experiences, Schore says.

And more than that, the hormones generated between infant and caregiver affect the way genes are encoded. And its not just about pouring on the love. The more enriching experiences the little human gets, the smarter, bigger and more complex his brain will be. (Note; We’re not talking babies on vacation or out to fancy places, that’s actually stressful.  We’re talking bedtime stories or visiting the park on Sundays) So for a parent to say their lack of attention isn’t hurting the baby is in every way false. They may not be “doing” something, but a lack of attention is in fact doing harm.

Starting from day 1 and throughout childhood, you’re being programmed, mainly by your primary caregiver. Think of it like a computer program, they’re downloading a certain format and way of operating into your brain, and you’ll probably assume this is just how everyone thinks, reacts & feels. Lets use the simple baby-crying example. If a baby cries, and the mother responds lovingly, the baby is being programmed to know that when he needs his tribe, they’ll usually come and help him, especially when he really needs help. The baby is programmed to believe that there are loving people around to help. This belief becomes his way of operating.

If the parent doesn’t respond, the baby learns that people wont help him. These babies usually grow into adults who don’t help either, or do so resentfully. They may also be likely to use manipulation for gain, as they learned to manipulate a situation to get their needs met. This is the program they were downloaded with.

If the baby cries and a parent responds with anger, the baby has learned that they are a nuisance, unworthy of Love, thus their programming usually becomes one of “Asking for help is dangerous. Do not ask for help” It’s psychology 101.

So, the damage of negligent or abusive parenting (both physical retardation and faulty beliefs/programming) is done, now what? Well, you start healing yourself. Up until a few years ago allopathic Doctors would say that once the brain is formed there’s no turning back. Please, please don’t let this become your reality. Besides the fact that we are now finding this to be untrue, Our physical bodies are amazing at taking orders. But we need to remove the subconscious blocks that may be sabotaging, or the low vibrating energies that are distorting our energetic body. It does take effort. Its a journey.

One of the hardest jobs you may have on your healing and spiritual journey is de-programming. This is why Energy clearing (Emotion Code being the best technique I’ve come across) is vital. It finds trapped emotions and allows us to analyze our subconscious beliefs. And having a trusted counsellor or therapist is important during the process, as they can help to re-program with new beliefs. During the meditative portion, we allow our new intentions and beliefs to become our new subconscious program. Remember, our subconscious beliefs are the rudder to our boat, they lead us to abundance or lack, depending on what we believe. Spiritual work isn’t just good vibes and psychedelic experiences. What we’re supposed to be doing here is refining our spirits, and we cant do that using outdated thinking. First step is truly to clear. We can also muscle test the body to find out what it may need, physically speaking, to facilitate the process. It may tell us we need more magnesium, sleep or to lay off coffee for example. After some muscle testing, one of my healer-friends found he would really benefit from micro-dosing psilocybin mushrooms.  It was pretty funny as he’s never “experimented” and here he was, a mental health professional, dosing on mushrooms on the week-ends.  It’s different for everyone, which is why an experienced muscle tester is essential.  Muscle testing is our Spirits way of talking to us. And of coarse Reiki, which is the Source of Energy. Hospitals have done numerous studies on Reiki. One such hospital had two groups of patients who had surgery, one who got Reiki and the other did not. The patients who received Reiki healed %60 faster than the non-Reiki group. Its not a placebo effect, which I’ve covered in a past post, rather actual subtle healing energies.

So we are not doomed to a life of suffering because our parents didn’t do their job well. But if we want a better life, it is our job to do something about it. As a childhood abuse survivor, I specialize in clients with these backgrounds. I know how difficult it is to manifest with so many trapped emotions and limiting beliefs. I’ve been through the mental health system. I have thoroughly studied the effects of childhood abuse. And I have spent my entire adult life trying everything under the sun to heal, from Lithium and anti-psychotics, to meditation and crystals. This is what led me to Emotion Code and Reiki. And its not a long process either, a session or two often has life-changing effects, with very little effort compared to typical therapies and medical intervention. You just never know what seemingly magical things can happen when you remove trapped emotions and start truly believing your worthy of great things. This process feels good and is actually effective in big ways. You don’t have to know anything, just come in and let me get to work on you, you’ll be amazed at what we discover. I can help you get started to a new life full of abundance and love, whenever your ready.

Forgiveness After Betrayal ~ Should You Even Bother?

Before we get into it, I want to clarify what I mean by “betray” and “forgive”

There’s all kinds of poetic interpretations around forgiveness, many which don’t make any sense to my practical mind. Remember Oprah’s definition of forgiveness? “Forgiveness means giving up hope that things could be any different” Well that just sounds like acceptance to me. For sure, we should at some point come to a place of acceptance with all our grievances. But that doesn’t mean we should also forgive.

Dictionary definitions, yay:

“Betray: An act of deliberate disloyalty”

“Forgive: To stop feeling anger towards or about an offence

To cancel responsibility, to stop requiring repayment

The act of absolving (to set free) someone for having done something wrong

So basically, forgiveness is letting someone off the hook. and not everyone deserves that. For sure, find acceptance for what was, but this does not absolve a person of their actions or betrayals. The victim may still have to deal with the consequences, which can be minimal to life-changing. The offender may be likely to re-offend.

Forgiveness serves to keep people connected after betrayal, in whatever form. In essence, your letting them off the hook (where they were unable to betray again) and trusting them to act appropriately in future.

In our ancestors time, someone who quickly forgave others was seen a threat to the community or family, as undeserved forgiveness would cause eventual harm or damage, and put the family in a position to be exploited or harmed again. They were regarded as fools, or worse.

Now a-days, we hear people carry on like forgiving is an act of Saintly proportions, and a testament to how holy and mature one is. Deluding the self into believing forgiveness will make them an above-average good person, while simultaneously healing the pain of betrayal inside. Unfortunately, I’m afraid this is nothing more than generational gas-lighting and mind-fucking. You must forgive your father. Keep sweet. Always forgive and forget. Have faith, or whatever.

There are times when forgiveness is called for, and it is something we should aspire to in our relationships, but there are certain steps to getting there, requiring both parties effort.  You can accept it/them. But should you forgive them? There’s a path to forgiveness after betrayal. It looks like this:

The Betrayal ~ often an indication of a larger problem. Regardless, a betrayal takes place. Could be cheating, lying, a set-up, an act of negligence or disregard or general disrespect for ones things or self. Whatever it is, your feeling betrayed and have lost trust in the relationship

Outrage ~ From the victim This outrage serves the victim in calling out the betrayer and can help them gain support during this time of hurt and anger. It’s a pretty human reaction that helps us gain perspective and understanding. It also helps the victim during a time when they’ve been knocked down, to get up and brush off the pain of being hurt by a loved one. This is often the time when the victim finally fully recognizes that the actual betrayal as a sign of something bigger, a toxic or abusive relationship dynamic, for example.

Guilt ~ The offender feels Guilt. And they demonstrate this guilt through apologies, behaviours and genuine emotions and empathy. They do what they can to help fix the damage, or offer to help or do something. The offender shows they are truly remorseful so that they can be trusted in the future and welcomed back into the social group

Forgiveness ~ By the victim. When this happens the relationship can repair and the social connection is re-bonded

Notice step 3?  Yea, that’s the part that’s lacking in undeserved forgiveness. That is the determining factor in whether or not one should forgive. When someone says “I’m sorry!” they are simply telling you they’re sorry, and its probably true.  They probably are sorry because now the can’t have access to you or benefit from you.  This doesn’t mean they feel guilt over their act of betrayal, it does not mean they should be trusted. Many times the offender doesn’t feel guilt. Worse, they may even feel resentment towards you. They may feel shame. Guilt is about feeling bad for something you’ve done. Shame is feeling bad for being seen in a negative light. The offender may feel ashamed, but that doesn’t mean they care about how their actions affect others.

Forgiveness is important for healthy social connections and something we absolutely should strive for, but first we need to understand what it means. Many families and friends are simply too toxic or emotionally immature to do their part on the forgiveness path. This is when to hang them on a hook, safe away from our lives, and find acceptance for what is.

If you have trapped emotions of betrayal, resentment, or need help coming to a place of acceptance, Emotion Code and a session with a seasoned healer can help you. Trapped emotions lead to more of the same, and eventual physical manifestations as well, until we release the Karmic energy. Many people believe they just had to forgive a person and they would heal, only to find that it has caused more harm than help. Forgiveness is not necessary to heal, but acceptance & release is.

Emotional Neglect: A Quiet Abuse

Emotional Neglect is hard to articulate, and tricky to unravel. It’s a silent anguish that’s given no sympathy, for there are no bruises, no laws against it, no way for a child to protect them self against it, no commiserating for someone who cannot even explain whats wrong. If a blind person has never seen colours, could they explain what they’re missing? The same problem presents for unloved children, they often didn’t even realize what they were missing until they’re adults,…. if ever.

Love, nurturing and support, these are things we all need to be healthy. For children of emotionally neglectful parents, these are concepts only seen on TV. This isn’t how real people are, we tell ourselves. Then we grow up with anxiety, depression, a lack of security or confidence. We start to notice we don’t have the skills needed to succeed in life. We have a hard time with self-care and emotional regulation. With a trapped emotion of feeling unloved, we begin to manifest partners and friends who mirror our lack. Without a supportive kinship foundation, we manifest what we think we deserve, which isn’t much.

I remember when I was a child, I saw a mother pushing her son on the swing. With my own mother nowhere in sight, as usual, I thought there was something wrong with that kid. Is he disabled? Is his mother a weirdo or something? Why is she playing with her kid? I really thought it was weird. When I went home I told my mother about it, hoping she’d play with me too. Instead she called them “GayLords” It was typical in our home to make fun of functional families, when we weren’t making fun of each other, that is. I began to identify with this behaviour as well, calling people weak or lame, acting like I was proud of my tough up-bringing, and basically became hardened myself. I built a thick Heart-Wall.  Then I had my own children.

Here’s something I was never warned about when having my own kids: All your childhood trauma will become triggered when you are now the parent. I looked into my babies eyes and suddenly I knew what Love was. It wasn’t an easy decade. I spent my 20’s trying to understand why I was so damn sick. Post-partum with each child. Anxiety, fear, anger, self-harming, freaking out, an intense & irrational need to protect my kids. What should have been a beautiful time, was marred by emotional upheaval. And of coarse, eventual physical manifestations as well, I was always nursing an infection or virus. Therapist after therapist who couldn’t quite put their finger on it. No one ever said anything about neglect. Maybe it was a hormonal? Chemical imbalance? Self-esteem issues? Perhaps I had hidden memories?

Until I had my first Emotion Code session at 30, everything I did simply managed my distress. Nothing really healed me. Meditation calmed me, but it didn’t reveal any pointed subconscious pain. Reiki was wonderful, it increased my Ki, helped me feel Spirit, but it didn’t take away the trauma. Affirmations of self-love only went skin-deep, inside I still felt shaky. People who were neglected as children are notoriously slow to realize the source of the problem, as there’s no frame of reference for what a healthy attachment is. And denial is the coping mechanism used by abused children, hard to re-wire or break that pattern. The damage can also become biological. It literally changes your gene responses and neurotransmitters, so we’re often classified as chemically imbalanced or personality disordered. And what could we even do if we were to finally allow our self to realize? We inherently know that closure is futile, remember these people don’t actually care so good luck with that apology. Realizing that your parents will never be held accountable or feel remorse is a painful realization. They’re simply too self-centred to care, or too emotionally immature to understand anyways, and will probably end up belittling you or denying there was a problem, making the wound fresh again. The negative rhetoric inside our head traps us, and the guilt we’d feel bringing it up would be much to bear, after a lifetime of rejection.

Emotion Code unveiled my trapped emotional karma of feeling deeply unloved & abandoned (in my case, my mother kicked out or left each of her children by the time they were 15, however neglectful parents typically abandon their kids by this age even if they still live with them, they just completely stop being a parent) And there it was. Like a lightbulb went off in my head and I could finally understand why I was having issues, and all the appendages that went along with it (including the general neglect that typically occurs alongside emotional neglect ie no help getting into college, no help learning to drive, not being taught about how to treat a lady, not being taught life skills etc.) I was unprepared for life as an adult. We’ve been fed and clothed, but it takes so much more to be a successful human, doesn’t it?

Children need love, like they need food. It is nourishment for the soul. If you don’t give them enough food, their body will have a domino effect of health problems. The same goes when they don’t receive enough Love. It can lead to aggression, personality disorders, co-dependency, depression, anxiety, fear of asking for help, identity issues, harsh inner critic, shame, unworthiness, easily overwhelmed, sensitive to rejection, anxious or avoidant attachment, not feeling good enough, being okay with mistreatment and narcissist relationships and a general inability to unconditionally Love. Some people take issue with calling emotional neglect ‘abuse’, because it’s not intentional. As someone who’s lived it, I disagree. When a baby cries and the mom ignores him, that’s a choice.   When I begged my mom to stop going to bars every night, that was intentional. When a parent knows their teen is getting into trouble but turns a blind eye, that’s a choice.  When Dad decided to focus on his new girlfriend instead of his children, that was intentional.  When I needed help buying medicine for my ear and my dad made it so difficult I gave up asking him for help, he did that on purpose.  When a parent never asked how the child feels, that was intentional. When parents fail to take action on behalf of the child, that’s an intentional choice. When a kid wants to interact with a parent and the parent rejects them THAT IS INTENTIONAL. It IS intentional and they KNEW they were putting their wants before the child’s’ needs.

And it can take many forms, I wont get into too much, but it looks a little like this:

*Failing to notice or respond to a child’s emotional needs

*Using phrases like “It wasn’t that bad” “Ill give you something to cry about” “Too bad, we’re going” “Quit being drama” laughing at the child for crying or expressing how they feel, or other messages that let you know your feelings don’t matter.

*Meeting a child’s request for help with hostility or negativity.

*Not knowing whats going on in their child’s life. When I hear a parent say “I didn’t know!” I let them know “That’s even worse” There’s a reason your kid stopped telling you things. If you gave your kid the time of day, acted like you enjoyed their company and showed compassion or understanding, they’d know you care and tell you about their troubles. Instead, they’ve already learned not to bug you.

*Failure to give a child what they need to thrive in society. This includes homework help, social guidance, life-skills, structure, predictability and a calm home

*Emotional outbursts by the parent. Any parent who is in tune with their child’s emotional needs surely feels the fear in the child when a parent is out of control. Neglectful parents are often childish in that their feelings are the only ones that matter.

*A parentified child. Often one of the kids will become nurturing to the others. This is not okay and a sign that the parent is not meeting the needs of the children. No, little Sally doesn’t love being a helper, it’s an identity she took on so the home feels safe.

*Teasing or shaming the kids. Its never okay to humiliate your own kid. A parent is supposed to be the childs safe-person.  If you didn’t realize how much it hurt them, I can only assume they didn’t feel safe telling you.

*Being generally disconnected to the child’s life. Not putting them into clubs or giving them experiences. Not being involved in their school or events. Not knowing what they’re hopes or fears or likes and dislikes are.

*Using TV, electronics and even new toys to fulfill the child’s need for fun and emotionally enriching experiences. These things aren’t bad by them-self, but relying on them to keep your kid occupied is neglect.

Emotional neglect is often abuse by omission. The parent may say “Well, I never did this, or do that so consider yourself lucky! My parents used to beat me!” Physical abuse and emotional neglect are not synonymous. Your parents may have beat you, but they may have also been very invested in your future and didn’t know how to parent or motivate. Neither one is okay.

Of coarse, we as parents cant be there for our kids in every situation. Sometimes parents have hardships and need to put their own emotions as priority for a short time. Maybe there’s a new baby in the home and so we’ll rely on the IPad to keep little Johnny quiet until baby starts sleeping more. Maybe the parents get divorced and cant do any more than the minimum parent stuff while they get them self straightened out. Its also good for kids to learn resiliency. But this is different than childhood neglect. It’s temporary, situational, it is the exception not the norm.

Some fear that coddled kids are whats wrong with “kids these days” Think about the adults you know who are having a hard time in life. Were they spoiled? More likely they were neglected. (Perhaps confusing involved parenting with helicopter parenting or permissive parenting. Helicopter parents are controlling but invested.  Permissive parents are loving but don’t provide guidelines or enforce rules. Remember “Nanny 911”? Not great and different outcomes, but this isn’t “emotional neglect”)   The majority of people having relationship, self esteem or self-sufficiency issues are adults who were neglected as children.  Its a serious issue that causes a lot more pain & problems in life than overly-invested helicopter parents.

Involved parents teach their kids natural life consequences. Involved parents give their kids the tools needed to build resiliency. They guide, nurture and talk to their kids. Involved parents put time and energy into the kids. They use their brains and figure out remedies. They don’t just look away when the kids having a fit and hope they grow out of it. They don’t expect the school system to do a parents job. They are both loving and instructing, they praise and discipline. They help them develop their identity and show them what healthy love and fun is. They equip the child with a sense of self-esteem and worthiness. They are well rounded in their Love and Guidance. And remember, if you didn’t come from a good family, you can still make sure a good family comes from you. If you find yourself needing help achieving that, reach out for help. It’s there if you want it.

 

“Toxic parents and absent parents are one in the same.  Neither equips the child with the tools necessary to tackle adulthood.  This conversation is not to point a finger at our parents, who could also point the finger at their own

Truth be told, there are no best among the worst, there are only those who choose to do better.  Children inherit the work their parents didn’t do.

The last thing we need are excuses or deflection

Parenting is an elected occupation.  We may have had to suffer through our parents unpreparedness, but our children shouldn’t have to”                                                                    _Arah Iloabugichukwo

How To Take Control Of Your Life And Be Truly Resilient

Build your psychological resilience. Sorry, but there’s really no candy-assed answer for this one. It is a personal journey, and it doesn’t happen over night. Many were not given the opportunity to build their psychological resilience as children, and this leads to adults who have a victim mind-set. Helplessness drives everyone away except for enablers and predators. Stop waiting for people to rescue you, and start rescuing yourself. Here are the 5 main ways we accomplish this:

Work On Your Confidence

Not pretending, not being arrogant. It means learn to accept yourself for who you are. Maybe you don’t really know yourself. If that’s the case, I encourage you to begin the process of discovering your gifts and all the wonderful things that make you You. A session with a seasoned healer can help if you don’t know where to start. Be realistically optimistic, everyone has special gifts and magic. Everyone also has things they are not good at, be okay with this. Cultivate a belief in your ability to solve problems, which only happens if you try to solve your problems. I’ll bet when you do, you will amaze yourself with what you can accomplish.

Become Self-Aware

Make a conscious effort to be aware of where you’re at with your emotional mastery. Understand the faulty programming you may have received as a child, and challenge your beliefs and assumptions. Notice patterns in your life. Are you always stressed in the morning? Do you always pick hurtful friends or hang around people who are a bad influence? Do you tend to be defensive when there wasn’t truly a need? Notice the patterns and accept that they aren’t happening to you, but with you

Be Accountable

Accept full responsibility for your own life, including all decisions and actions. You may first need to humble thy self, which sounds scary to some, but is actually liberating. It is your job to build a healthy support system, which includes a balanced give-and-take. It is your job to manage your mental health and life. This means that if you have, say, anxiety, it is your job to find healing and manage it. It is your job to deal with the repercussions that come from any and all of your personal endeavors. This may include asking for help, but it doesn’t entitle you to it either. We all have our own crosses to bear, and those who take personal accountability for theirs become powerful in their own life.

Learn To Adapt

Sometimes we must deal with situations that are uncomfortable. Sometimes things change. Managing unexpected detours should be expected in this reality. Be like the Willow tree and bend instead of breaking, while remaining open to opportunities for growth, learning and eventual peace and happiness

Find A Purpose

A purpose earns us a sense of strength and self-esteem. A purpose can be anything, its best to leave ego out of this one. Being consciously kind to animals is a purpose. Helping your family thrive is a purpose. Being an example of a Divine Masculine is a purpose. Becoming a dentist who volunteers in the prisons is a purpose. Whatever purpose you feel in your heart will develop your personal resilience and is most definitely part of your mission in this life. Again, if you are having trouble finding your purpose, a healer or life coach can help.